11 replies to this topic

[good_n_purple]

Some of it is stupid and some is clever, but its worth a look.

http://www.theonion....section/sports/

[IMissMattStover]

Man this is hilarious. My two favorites are 1. The article saying "Ravens win Best Team at 2013 SB awards" and 2. In the Flacco assessment "Compulsive need to touch the football on every play drives teammates crazy."

Other good ones: Ed Reed assessment "Lures QBs into throwing interceptions by loudly shouting
'Im open'"

Ed Reed hobbies "Recording tackles in home studio during spare time."
Ed Reed training regimen "Works with interception-throwing machine during training camp"

Ray Lewis "Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on facepaint."

John Harbs "Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and throw fits"

Edited by IMissMattStover, 06 February 2013 - 02:39 PM.

[good_n_purple]

The Boldin assessment killed me:

Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you need to borrow shampoo or cologne; Gets separation from speedy defensive backs by running very slowly; Can catch wobbly, piece of [profanity deleted] that Flacco calls a [profanity deleted] pass
Weakness: Steady and dependable job performance makes him unrelatable to most of U.S. populace; Excels at getting tackled after the catch; Gets so excited about routes he shouts them out loud
40-Yard-Dash: Doesn’t have anything to prove to you
Most Comparable Receiver: One-half of 2005 Anquan Boldin
Skill: Excellent vertical leap while jumping up and down to cheer on Ravens defense; Great at picking up a few extra compliments after spectacular catches

[DMH_in_WA]

I'm getting the feeling that the guy who wrote the "assessment profiles" has a lot of yellow and black in his cubicle.

[dhstandard]

Onion hates the Ravens. Some of their articles are good but a few are just straight up hate. It's not even funny it's pretty much just like...Ray killed a guy and Flacco is bad. No jokes at all.

[dirtybird10]

The story about Jerry Jones waking around on the field is absolutely hilarious too, mostly because he probably would if he could.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/jerry-jones-wanders-up-and-down-field-during-game,30641/

"“We’ve gotten pretty used to Jerry always being around during team meetings or postgame showers,” said quarterback Tony Romo"

[dirtybird10]

Onion hates the Ravens. Some of their articles are good but a few are just straight up hate. It's not even funny it's pretty much just like...Ray killed a guy and Flacco is bad. No jokes at all.

Its the Onion, they are not serious about anything.

[Footman DCXLV]

Most of it was forgettable, but I'll admit that I laughed at this for Joe Flacco:

"Athletic Ability: Elusiveness to successfully evade praise, respect, or adoration"

[Terphunter]

Haha...good stuff!

[Moderator 3]

Thought most of it was not too funny but the John Harbaugh one was good.

[dhstandard]

Its the Onion, they are not serious about anything.

I read them all the time but they still have bias. Some of their writers definitely don't like the Ravens. Look at their pros and cons for players. Most of the time it's hilarious but for some players it's clear they just don't like them.

[good_n_purple]

_{This is totally subjective stuff, and not for everyone...to me about 20% was truly funny. You have to dig through the garbage to find the good stuff.}

Edited by good_n_purple, 07 February 2013 - 07:18 AM.