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Malkavian Raven

Funny Real-Life Stories

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[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]They say the only thing stranger than fiction is real life, and I'd say a great deal of those stories come from relatives. I figured I'd start a thread that we could share these real-life instances. Feel free to omit names, etc.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I'll start...[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]My youngest son had just finished taking a shower and came out of the bathroom. The oldest and the middle son were doing dishes at the time, so I tapped the oldest on the shoulder and told him to go take a shower. He told me he had already done it.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Now, as a parent, you realize your children could be lying to you at any point. So, I'm always skeptical.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]In this case, I was skeptical cause his hair was dry and messy, and he had only been home for about an hour and a half. I grabbed his hair, dry... and I smelled it, unwashed. I asked him if he forgot to wash his hair. He swore he took a shower.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Since I hadn't started laundry, I headed to the washer (which serves as our clothes hamper) and saw his school clothes and a towel in the bottom.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I have taken many baths and showers over my thirty year lifetime, but not once have I ever thrown my towel in the washer and on the way in, it dried and folded itself up.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I asked him if he was sure he took a shower, showing him the towel. He hung his head down. I asked him what was so important that he felt the need to lie about something as trivial as taking a shower. He didn't know.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Kids... they got stupid in them.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[quote name='CalvinSmoke' timestamp='1355785665' post='1268276']
That sounds like something I would have done growing up ha
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I told him, "Next time, get your hair wet and put something that smells like shampoo in your hair... then use the towel to dry off with... and THEN throw the towel and your school clothes in the washer."[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I think that was the first time he listened intently to what I was saying. *LOL*[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Man, if my kids knew the horrible things I did when I was younger.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Stray cat with his head stuck in a soup can + airsoft gun =[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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A few years ago I was doing some electrical work on a new mall and I and I didn't want to walk back to get a ladder, so I climbed into a cherry picker and extended the picker up through the opening of a huge window frame so I could work on the inside. Once I was finished I came back down and turned the arm around before driving it back where it was.

A few hours later I noticed a crowd forming near the window so I walked over and there was a huge 5 ft long scratch gouged out of the window sash, the foreman then came and asked me if I knew what happened, I said I didn't and he told me it would cost $35,000 to replace.

I don't lie very often, but this was one instance where it paid off BIG.
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speaking of regrettable things we've done when we were younger....
when i was in middle school, me and my friends used to go to firework tents the day after the 4th of July/New Years Eve etc. and get them really cheap. we would buy a case of bottle rockets for like $5. we would then visit a neighborhood that we didnt live in and either shoot them off at cars or knock on someone's door, shoot them in their house and run away.
it usually worked out pretty well and we would always run away when someone threatened to call the police. one day we knocked on a door like we always did, lit a handful of them and by the time the door opened they fired into the house and the woman screamed. we got a real kick out of it, ran and went home shortly after.
fast forward a month and on the 1st day of 7th grade we were called into the principal's office and detained for public disturbance, mischief etc.
just a tip for the younger ones—before you do something like that, make sure it's not your vice principal's house first.
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When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)
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[quote name='Ragin'Raven' timestamp='1355789891' post='1268373']
When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)
[/quote]

Did you happen to get a picture of a puke-covered Tebow as well? Because I'd like to see that...
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[quote name='Ragin'Raven' timestamp='1355789891' post='1268373']
When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)
[/quote]
Wow thats hilarious haha
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[quote name='Latch' timestamp='1355789036' post='1268350']
speaking of regrettable things we've done when we were younger....
when i was in middle school, me and my friends used to go to firework tents the day after the 4th of July/New Years Eve etc. and get them really cheap. we would buy a case of bottle rockets for like $5. we would then visit a neighborhood that we didnt live in and either shoot them off at cars or knock on someone's door, shoot them in their house and run away.
it usually worked out pretty well and we would always run away when someone threatened to call the police. one day we knocked on a door like we always did, lit a handful of them and by the time the door opened they fired into the house and the woman screamed. we got a real kick out of it, ran and went home shortly after.
fast forward a month and on the 1st day of 7th grade we were called into the principal's office and detained for public disturbance, mischief etc.
just a tip for the younger ones—before you do something like that, make sure it's not your vice principal's house first.
[/quote]
Talk about an awkward 3 years of middle school lmao
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[quote name='BloodRaven' timestamp='1355788379' post='1268331']
A few years ago I was doing some electrical work on a new mall and I and I didn't want to walk back to get a ladder, so I climbed into a cherry picker and extended the picker up through the opening of a huge window frame so I could work on the inside. Once I was finished I came back down and turned the arm around before driving it back where it was.

A few hours later I noticed a crowd forming near the window so I walked over and there was a huge 5 ft long scratch gouged out of the window sash, the foreman then came and asked me if I knew what happened, I said I didn't and he told me it would cost $35,000 to replace.

I don't lie very often, but this was one instance where it paid off BIG.
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Oh man, you should have taken that one to your grave. *LOL*[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[quote name='Ragin'Raven' timestamp='1355789891' post='1268373']
When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Never had a child puke on an athlete or celeb, that is priceless. I, too, would be very interested in a "puke covered" Tebow. We could send it in to Skip.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[quote name='CosmicRedPanda' timestamp='1355800198' post='1268623']
[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Never had a child puke on an athlete or celeb, that is priceless. I, too, would be very interested in a "puke covered" Tebow. We could send it in to Skip.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
[/quote]
Skip would kill you. He is very protected of his fantasy boyfriend...
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[quote name='Latch' timestamp='1355789036' post='1268350']
speaking of regrettable things we've done when we were younger....
when i was in middle school, me and my friends used to go to firework tents the day after the 4th of July/New Years Eve etc. and get them really cheap. we would buy a case of bottle rockets for like $5. we would then visit a neighborhood that we didnt live in and either shoot them off at cars or knock on someone's door, shoot them in their house and run away.
it usually worked out pretty well and we would always run away when someone threatened to call the police. one day we knocked on a door like we always did, lit a handful of them and by the time the door opened they fired into the house and the woman screamed. we got a real kick out of it, ran and went home shortly after.
fast forward a month and on the 1st day of 7th grade we were called into the principal's office and detained for public disturbance, mischief etc.
just a tip for the younger ones—before you do something like that, make sure it's not your vice principal's house first.
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I surely hope no one was hurt, or no houses were burnt down. Smokebombs in the mailbox or firecrackers on the front porch, that was about it for our firework mischief. How was the rest of 7th grade?[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[quote name='CosmicRedPanda' timestamp='1355800675' post='1268629']


[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I surely hope no one was hurt, or no houses were burnt down. Smokebombs in the mailbox or firecrackers on the front porch, that was about it for our firework mischief. How was the rest of 7th grade?[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
[/quote]

no one every really got hurt, at least not that i know of. a few burns on the hands of me and my friends i imagine. mostly harmless. (I hope...)

as for the rest of 7th grade, it was just like anyone else's. awkward, uncomfortable and stressful. it's just that i ended up being grounded for the majority of it that was different.
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While in the kitchen, my mother once told me "don't touch the stove it's very hot" before leaving for a second to take care of something. I think you can guess how this story ends....
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[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Sibling rivalries, they make for some of the better stories. Here are a few of mine:[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]When I was about eight-years-old, my sister was getting set to hit fifteen. We were at her friend Jenny's house, and Jenny (at some point) had convinced my sister to start smoking. I never knew until that day. I was watching Jenny's brother play Zelda on Nintendo when he asked me to go get him a soda. I casually walk into the kitchen and find my sister and Jenny smoking. Being eight-years-old, I said "Ommmm, I'm telling!!"[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]My sister begged, pleaded and finally got to the point where she had told me smoking was good for me. I'm eight, what do I know? So, she gives me the cigarette and basically tells me to puff on it like it's a straw. Once I took a drag off the cigarette, I blow the smoke right back out, trying to get that awful taste out of my mouth. She tells me, "No, you have to inhale. You know, hold it in." I take another drag, and I've no clue what "inhale" means so I'm about to exhale again and she says, "No, don't blow it out.. suck it in!"[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Now, at that age, I didn't know what "inhale" meant, but I knew how to make myself burp. Here I am, mouthful of cigarette smoke and I swallow it down into my stomach. I felt fine for all of about -- 2 minutes. That was about how long it took me to start throwing up. I do so for the rest of the evening.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]When my mother asked what was wrong, I of course told her that my sister made me smoke a cigarette. My sister got grounded for a full month for smoking AND several lashings with a belt for making me smoke. Me? I got to lay on the couch, stay up late watching Munsters, eating Doritos and chugging Sprite.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]My sister brought her boyfriend Nathan over to the house once and they were all about making-out at their age. Well, she of course didn't want her bratty brother bothering her while she was trying to contract the Epstein-Barr Virus. What'd she do? She locked me upstairs.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]The upstairs in this house was just two-bedrooms with a stairwell running between then and a door at the bottom of the stairs. My bedroom was off the right, hers was to the left. After spending a hour or so up there, I really had to use the restroom. I knocked on the door, my sister told me the door was locked and she wasn't letting me out -- just to hold it in. Another hour went by, still wouldn't let me out. I started looking for other means of relieving myself.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Well, whoever painted the interior of this house did so over all the window seals, so there was no getting a window open so I could urinate that way. I looked around, nothing. Not a jug, not a cup, nothing. Then I saw it... there... on her floor, like a mini-toilet just screaming to me.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Her Atari.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I unplugged it from the wall, ripped the Centipede game from the Atari console and I was off to the races.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]When she finally did open the door, she told me to go use the restroom. I told her, I don't have to now. She didn't understand what I meant until her Atari refused to work any longer. She never said anything to my mom about it, nor did I.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Oh, good times.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Last one...[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Same boyfriend, same house, same ol', same ol'.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]After learning her lesson with the Atari, this time she shut me outside. Middle of the summer, middle of the country. I asked if I could ride my bike over to our cousin's house. She said 'no'. I asked if I could ride my bike to my puppy-love girlfriend Melissa's hosue. She said 'no'.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I'm bored. -- I wonder what there is to do in the barn.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Upon first inspection, nothing much. Then I find a wooden box on a shelf filled with aerosol cans. Like any good country boy, I've got a lighter in my pocket. Lets see if we can find something flammable!! -- Damn the luck. Just different colors of spray paint.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I pop the cap off the can that looks like a hunter's orange (life jacket orange, neon orange, whatever)... and start putting dots on the inside of the barn. That's when I got my BRIGHT IDEA!![/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Our house was on a bit of an incline, so the country road in front of our house could see the front yard. Me, with my orange spray paint, wrote in BIG orange letters:[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]"Dara Is A [you figure it out]!"[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]This time, I was the one that wound up getting grounded and his butt blistered. It was well worth it in the end though, because although they simply mowed the grass and the letters disappeared. The chemicals in the spray paint killed the grass a week later. Now, in bright dead grass yellowy-orange surrounded by dark green was my message for the whole world to see.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]And what better way to torture your sister than to have all her friends who ride the bus see that message in the yard, only to tell everyone they know in high school.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]Oh, joy![/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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when I was little me and my buddy went door to door collecting donations for The Red Cross.

We took the proceeds down to the Pizza Hut and had a blast.
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[quote name='K-Dog' timestamp='1355969803' post='1271213']
when I was little me and my buddy went door to door collecting donations for The Red Cross.

We took the proceeds down to the Pizza Hut and had a blast.
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I did the same thing for SCRUFFY, which is a local outreach program for the city I used to live in. Our church asked us to go door-to-door and ask for donations, we didn't take all of it but we did stop off and guy soda pops and candy bars and chips and even went to the movies.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]We probably collected $200 or so, spent about $60 of it.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]There is a special place for people like us... (pointing down)[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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I had to call my mom once to come get me from the emergency room after they admitted me with severe tachycardia and I got IV Ativan to bring my heart rate down. Ever taken Ativan? That was a pretty hilarious conversation... pretty sure I greeted her with "what up, broski?" when she arrived...

...All my funny (to me, at least) stories involve medical issues... or Thanksgiving and my family...
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[quote name='MissK528' timestamp='1355972436' post='1271276']
I had to call my mom once to come get me from the emergency room after they admitted me with severe tachycardia and I got IV Ativan to bring my heart rate down. Ever taken Ativan? That was a pretty hilarious conversation... pretty sure I greeted her with "what up, broski?" when she arrived...

...All my funny (to me, at least) stories involve medical issues... or Thanksgiving and my family...
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]I seldom take ibuprofen for migraines, let alone anything prescription. I'll just have to take your word for it.[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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This Girl has been stakling me ever since I moved here to SF. She made up a lie that I created a fake instagram so ppl could think that she doesn't like me...... So, now we have been playing my favorite game
Moriarty vs. Holmes!
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[quote name='Mr. Irrelevant' timestamp='1355973625' post='1271297']
This Girl has been stakling me ever since I moved here to SF. She made up a lie that I created a fake instagram so ppl could think that she doesn't like me...... So, now we have been playing my favorite game
Moriarty vs. Holmes!
[/quote]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]*LOL* ... And which one are you?[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
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[quote name='CosmicRedPanda' timestamp='1355973880' post='1271300']
[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]*LOL* ... And which one are you?[/i][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][i]~ Cosmic[/i][/font]
[/quote]
Holmes, bc I deduced that she was the trouble. But instead of us both going over the edge like in the books/second movie, we are just gonna make out! Jkjkjkjk
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[quote name='K-Dog' timestamp='1355969803' post='1271213']
when I was little me and my buddy went door to door collecting donations for The Red Cross.

We took the proceeds down to the Pizza Hut and had a blast.
[/quote]
I did the same, except I went to Red Lobster and had endless shrimp :)
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[quote name='CosmicRedPanda' timestamp='1355967808' post='1271171']
[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif]
[i]Now, at that age, I didn't know what "inhale" meant, but I knew how to make myself burp. Here I am, mouthful of cigarette smoke and I swallow it down into my stomach.

[/quote]
Similar thing happened to me. Not with cigarettes though. (But not with something illegal........in some states, ;) )
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My old dog Buddy (god bless his soul) was this huge white dog (white lab mixed with great bernese) who got mistaken for a baby polar bear many times by strangers lol, was a little bit slow in the head.

One day my friend and I were outside playing. (We we like 8 or 9 back then) and Buddy got off his leash. It took us like 5 minutes to realize it, that's when we started to look around this small little neighborhood for him.

After like 15 mins we couldnt find him, thats when we got my dad to help us. After an hour he was no where to be seen. It got dark, and I was worried sick that I would never see him again. (He never got missing that long, and everyonein the hood loved him).

We were walking around with flashlights looking everywhere. Then my friend said he thought he saw him run around a corner up our road around a house. I don't know why it took him so long to tell us, but I'm really glad he did.

We walk up the road with our flashlights look around this guys huge yard, looking everywhere, but wr still couldn't find him. While we were walking out of his yard we heard a bark.

I run to the back of the house and shine my flashlight into his house. I heard Buddy bark again and I move to his basement/garage. & there he is. Right at the window crying and barking, pacing back and forth looking lost as hell lmao.

I was so relieved. Apparently the mans son went to work and Buddy ran into the garage while he was backing out and got stuck. As soon as the man opened the door after we knocked my dog ran out and jumped on me and was licking my face non stop.

We looked inside the garage and smelled poop & piss instantly.

& then we dipped. Lol
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Another funny story with Buddy.

He was out running around one night and my mom, my brother and I left the house to do something. We saw Buddy (I remind you, huge white retarded dog) running behind us, following us. My mom slows down and we were cheering him on and telling him to come. (He was keeping up with us good for being so huge)

...we look over at him running next to the driver side of the car. We're going like 15-20 MPH.

His face turns...he's looking directly at us now while running....

*BOOM* - He runs right into a parked car. All 3 of us bursted into laughter as we stopped the car and looked back at him. And there he is, running with that same lost pathetic face with his tounge out trying to catch up to us. Lmao

God do I miss that dog.
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