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Funny Real-Life Stories


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#1 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 05:45 PM

They say the only thing stranger than fiction is real life, and I'd say a great deal of those stories come from relatives. I figured I'd start a thread that we could share these real-life instances. Feel free to omit names, etc.

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#2 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 05:50 PM

I'll start...

My youngest son had just finished taking a shower and came out of the bathroom. The oldest and the middle son were doing dishes at the time, so I tapped the oldest on the shoulder and told him to go take a shower. He told me he had already done it.

Now, as a parent, you realize your children could be lying to you at any point. So, I'm always skeptical.

In this case, I was skeptical cause his hair was dry and messy, and he had only been home for about an hour and a half. I grabbed his hair, dry... and I smelled it, unwashed. I asked him if he forgot to wash his hair. He swore he took a shower.

Since I hadn't started laundry, I headed to the washer (which serves as our clothes hamper) and saw his school clothes and a towel in the bottom.

I have taken many baths and showers over my thirty year lifetime, but not once have I ever thrown my towel in the washer and on the way in, it dried and folded itself up.

I asked him if he was sure he took a shower, showing him the towel. He hung his head down. I asked him what was so important that he felt the need to lie about something as trivial as taking a shower. He didn't know.

Kids... they got stupid in them.

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#3 CalvinSmoke

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 06:07 PM

That sounds like something I would have done growing up ha
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#4 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 06:15 PM

That sounds like something I would have done growing up ha


I told him, "Next time, get your hair wet and put something that smells like shampoo in your hair... then use the towel to dry off with... and THEN throw the towel and your school clothes in the washer."

I think that was the first time he listened intently to what I was saying. *LOL*

Man, if my kids knew the horrible things I did when I was younger.

Stray cat with his head stuck in a soup can + airsoft gun =

~ Cosmic

Edited by CosmicRedPanda, 17 December 2012 - 06:15 PM.

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#5 BloodRaven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 06:52 PM

A few years ago I was doing some electrical work on a new mall and I and I didn't want to walk back to get a ladder, so I climbed into a cherry picker and extended the picker up through the opening of a huge window frame so I could work on the inside. Once I was finished I came back down and turned the arm around before driving it back where it was.

A few hours later I noticed a crowd forming near the window so I walked over and there was a huge 5 ft long scratch gouged out of the window sash, the foreman then came and asked me if I knew what happened, I said I didn't and he told me it would cost $35,000 to replace.

I don't lie very often, but this was one instance where it paid off BIG.
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#6 Latch

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 07:03 PM

speaking of regrettable things we've done when we were younger....
when i was in middle school, me and my friends used to go to firework tents the day after the 4th of July/New Years Eve etc. and get them really cheap. we would buy a case of bottle rockets for like $5. we would then visit a neighborhood that we didnt live in and either shoot them off at cars or knock on someone's door, shoot them in their house and run away.
it usually worked out pretty well and we would always run away when someone threatened to call the police. one day we knocked on a door like we always did, lit a handful of them and by the time the door opened they fired into the house and the woman screamed. we got a real kick out of it, ran and went home shortly after.
fast forward a month and on the 1st day of 7th grade we were called into the principal's office and detained for public disturbance, mischief etc.
just a tip for the younger ones—before you do something like that, make sure it's not your vice principal's house first.
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#7 Ragin'Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 07:18 PM

When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)
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#8 MissK528

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 08:55 PM

When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)


Did you happen to get a picture of a puke-covered Tebow as well? Because I'd like to see that...
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#9 Gordo52

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 08:58 PM

When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)

Wow thats hilarious haha
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#10 Gordo52

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 08:59 PM

speaking of regrettable things we've done when we were younger....
when i was in middle school, me and my friends used to go to firework tents the day after the 4th of July/New Years Eve etc. and get them really cheap. we would buy a case of bottle rockets for like $5. we would then visit a neighborhood that we didnt live in and either shoot them off at cars or knock on someone's door, shoot them in their house and run away.
it usually worked out pretty well and we would always run away when someone threatened to call the police. one day we knocked on a door like we always did, lit a handful of them and by the time the door opened they fired into the house and the woman screamed. we got a real kick out of it, ran and went home shortly after.
fast forward a month and on the 1st day of 7th grade we were called into the principal's office and detained for public disturbance, mischief etc.
just a tip for the younger ones—before you do something like that, make sure it's not your vice principal's house first.

Talk about an awkward 3 years of middle school lmao
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#11 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 10:08 PM

A few years ago I was doing some electrical work on a new mall and I and I didn't want to walk back to get a ladder, so I climbed into a cherry picker and extended the picker up through the opening of a huge window frame so I could work on the inside. Once I was finished I came back down and turned the arm around before driving it back where it was.

A few hours later I noticed a crowd forming near the window so I walked over and there was a huge 5 ft long scratch gouged out of the window sash, the foreman then came and asked me if I knew what happened, I said I didn't and he told me it would cost $35,000 to replace.

I don't lie very often, but this was one instance where it paid off BIG.


Oh man, you should have taken that one to your grave. *LOL*

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE





#12 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 10:09 PM

When my son was a little less than a year old, he threw up on Tim Tebow. We were at The Swamp for a meet-and-greet, and Tim Tebow reached out to grab Michael. He held him and smiled for about half a minute, and then all of a sudden, Michael just let it all go. Tebow was very gracious about the situation, and he even laughed saying, "I guess I'm not your favorite player, huh?" I was able to snap a picture before the incident occurred, and I even got it autographed a couple years later! :)


Never had a child puke on an athlete or celeb, that is priceless. I, too, would be very interested in a "puke covered" Tebow. We could send it in to Skip.

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#13 SecretAgentMan

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 10:15 PM

Never had a child puke on an athlete or celeb, that is priceless. I, too, would be very interested in a "puke covered" Tebow. We could send it in to Skip.

~ Cosmic

Skip would kill you. He is very protected of his fantasy boyfriend...
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#14 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 10:17 PM

speaking of regrettable things we've done when we were younger....
when i was in middle school, me and my friends used to go to firework tents the day after the 4th of July/New Years Eve etc. and get them really cheap. we would buy a case of bottle rockets for like $5. we would then visit a neighborhood that we didnt live in and either shoot them off at cars or knock on someone's door, shoot them in their house and run away.
it usually worked out pretty well and we would always run away when someone threatened to call the police. one day we knocked on a door like we always did, lit a handful of them and by the time the door opened they fired into the house and the woman screamed. we got a real kick out of it, ran and went home shortly after.
fast forward a month and on the 1st day of 7th grade we were called into the principal's office and detained for public disturbance, mischief etc.
just a tip for the younger ones—before you do something like that, make sure it's not your vice principal's house first.


I surely hope no one was hurt, or no houses were burnt down. Smokebombs in the mailbox or firecrackers on the front porch, that was about it for our firework mischief. How was the rest of 7th grade?

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#15 Latch

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Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:55 AM

I surely hope no one was hurt, or no houses were burnt down. Smokebombs in the mailbox or firecrackers on the front porch, that was about it for our firework mischief. How was the rest of 7th grade?

~ Cosmic


no one every really got hurt, at least not that i know of. a few burns on the hands of me and my friends i imagine. mostly harmless. (I hope...)

as for the rest of 7th grade, it was just like anyone else's. awkward, uncomfortable and stressful. it's just that i ended up being grounded for the majority of it that was different.
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#16 ROH522155

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 03:51 AM

While in the kitchen, my mother once told me "don't touch the stove it's very hot" before leaving for a second to take care of something. I think you can guess how this story ends....
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#17 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 08:43 PM

Sibling rivalries, they make for some of the better stories. Here are a few of mine:

When I was about eight-years-old, my sister was getting set to hit fifteen. We were at her friend Jenny's house, and Jenny (at some point) had convinced my sister to start smoking. I never knew until that day. I was watching Jenny's brother play Zelda on Nintendo when he asked me to go get him a soda. I casually walk into the kitchen and find my sister and Jenny smoking. Being eight-years-old, I said "Ommmm, I'm telling!!"

My sister begged, pleaded and finally got to the point where she had told me smoking was good for me. I'm eight, what do I know? So, she gives me the cigarette and basically tells me to puff on it like it's a straw. Once I took a drag off the cigarette, I blow the smoke right back out, trying to get that awful taste out of my mouth. She tells me, "No, you have to inhale. You know, hold it in." I take another drag, and I've no clue what "inhale" means so I'm about to exhale again and she says, "No, don't blow it out.. suck it in!"

Now, at that age, I didn't know what "inhale" meant, but I knew how to make myself burp. Here I am, mouthful of cigarette smoke and I swallow it down into my stomach. I felt fine for all of about -- 2 minutes. That was about how long it took me to start throwing up. I do so for the rest of the evening.

When my mother asked what was wrong, I of course told her that my sister made me smoke a cigarette. My sister got grounded for a full month for smoking AND several lashings with a belt for making me smoke. Me? I got to lay on the couch, stay up late watching Munsters, eating Doritos and chugging Sprite.

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#18 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 08:50 PM

My sister brought her boyfriend Nathan over to the house once and they were all about making-out at their age. Well, she of course didn't want her bratty brother bothering her while she was trying to contract the Epstein-Barr Virus. What'd she do? She locked me upstairs.

The upstairs in this house was just two-bedrooms with a stairwell running between then and a door at the bottom of the stairs. My bedroom was off the right, hers was to the left. After spending a hour or so up there, I really had to use the restroom. I knocked on the door, my sister told me the door was locked and she wasn't letting me out -- just to hold it in. Another hour went by, still wouldn't let me out. I started looking for other means of relieving myself.

Well, whoever painted the interior of this house did so over all the window seals, so there was no getting a window open so I could urinate that way. I looked around, nothing. Not a jug, not a cup, nothing. Then I saw it... there... on her floor, like a mini-toilet just screaming to me.

Her Atari.

I unplugged it from the wall, ripped the Centipede game from the Atari console and I was off to the races.

When she finally did open the door, she told me to go use the restroom. I told her, I don't have to now. She didn't understand what I meant until her Atari refused to work any longer. She never said anything to my mom about it, nor did I.

Oh, good times.

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#19 Malkavian Raven

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 08:59 PM

Last one...

Same boyfriend, same house, same ol', same ol'.

After learning her lesson with the Atari, this time she shut me outside. Middle of the summer, middle of the country. I asked if I could ride my bike over to our cousin's house. She said 'no'. I asked if I could ride my bike to my puppy-love girlfriend Melissa's hosue. She said 'no'.

I'm bored. -- I wonder what there is to do in the barn.

Upon first inspection, nothing much. Then I find a wooden box on a shelf filled with aerosol cans. Like any good country boy, I've got a lighter in my pocket. Lets see if we can find something flammable!! -- Damn the luck. Just different colors of spray paint.

I pop the cap off the can that looks like a hunter's orange (life jacket orange, neon orange, whatever)... and start putting dots on the inside of the barn. That's when I got my BRIGHT IDEA!!

Our house was on a bit of an incline, so the country road in front of our house could see the front yard. Me, with my orange spray paint, wrote in BIG orange letters:

"Dara Is A [you figure it out]!"

This time, I was the one that wound up getting grounded and his butt blistered. It was well worth it in the end though, because although they simply mowed the grass and the letters disappeared. The chemicals in the spray paint killed the grass a week later. Now, in bright dead grass yellowy-orange surrounded by dark green was my message for the whole world to see.

And what better way to torture your sister than to have all her friends who ride the bus see that message in the yard, only to tell everyone they know in high school.

Oh, joy!

~ Cosmic
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AND THEY SHALL KNOW NO GOOD OR PEACE, NOR SHALL THEIR SUFFERING EVER CEASE
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UNTIL THEY HUMBLY COME & BEG FOR MERCY ON THEIR KNEES, WHICH I MAY GRANT IF I SHOULD PLEASE


#20 K-Dog

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 09:16 PM

when I was little me and my buddy went door to door collecting donations for The Red Cross.

We took the proceeds down to the Pizza Hut and had a blast.
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