Sarcastic NFL Power Rankings

[hawkprey]

With all this hub-ub about "rankings", it was about time a true, unbiased system could come in and alleviate the tension. All you "sports writers" pay attention, this is what a proper power ranking looks like.


1) Jets: Rex Ryan‘s ultimate dream-team has only one hole - in the middle of the D. Rex contributes this defensive scheme to his lifetime mentor Krispy Kreme. But since no number can express his greatness, I’ll rank him the number of steps he is from curing cancer.

2) Steelers: From what we learned this offseason, anyone under Roethlisberger has a chance of going all the way.

3) Rams: Having won their last 2 games, the Rams dynasty has hit its peak and is already on its decline. Looks like another rebuilding year for the Rams.

4) 49ers: The only people more about Alex Smith's aim than his wide receivers are the guys next in line for the urinal. Still, the 49ers take 4th.

5) Patriots: The Pats special teams appeared great after allegedly video-taping Miami’s play-calls of “Just kick the **** ball!”

6) Saints: Drew Brees suffers from the Madden curse of having an unflattering picture of him with a goofy expression on a video game cover.

7) Bengals: After a number on a box of Ochocinco cereal led fans to a phone sex line, the Bengals should stop wondering why their fans appear too busy to come to the games.

8) Lions: The Lions’ Stadium will soon be called The House That Megatron Built, which is an awesome image.

9) Titans: Titan’s defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil was fined after calling a new play called the “Go **** yourself”.

10) Broncos: In 4 games, Kyle Orton has thrown for enough miles to win the team a free trip to Baltimore. The trip back is on them.

11) Giants: The Giants have a lot of players with names I can’t spell so they’ll rank at the number I can’t pronounce.

12) Bears: Jay Cutler has been reduced to Jay Cutlets by a hungry Giants team. Wasn’t that one cute?

13) Falcons: The Falcons won their last 2 games on last-second field goals. Boring! How about a little excitement in these games, huh commissioner? What good are the first 3599 seconds if the outcome is decided in the last one? Falcons should be dead last.

14) Cowboys: Lucky for Dallas, their mile-long plasma screen scoreboard has really perfected the number 0.

15) Colts: Head Coach Jim Caldwell has accidentally sat his starters for 2 years now.

16) Eagles: After a dog race for the quarterback spot is ended by an injury, this time they picked Vick up from the pound.

17) Dolphins: It looks like a good year for ‘72 Dolphins fans, who managed to see 2 unbeatens fall this week along with the national embarrassment that is the Dolphins.

18) Panthers: As long as the Panthers have games on their schedule, the ‘08 Lions will have to wait a little longer for their annual toast.

19) Vikings: With Moss and Favre at the helm, the league’s retirement center has finally designed an activity that can get them wins. Pass the ball? Bingo.

20) Ravens: Having barely beat the top 2 teams, the Ravens have yet to do anything besides beat the top 2 teams. Nice try, Baltimore. You‘re back to the bottom half. Keep in mind, Ravens, that there’s a 15 yard penalty for roughing the author.

21)Seahawks: Among the many Seahawks trades, the Seahawks traded mascot “The Seahawk” to the mascot-less Browns. The team formerly known as the Seahawks will now be referred to by a blank stare.

22) Jaguars: The Jags won on an incredible 59-yard punt through the uprights. Jacksonville’s only fan was upright as well.

23) Chargers: After decisive wins against the NFC west, the Chargers face the rough stretch in the schedule when Oakland, the circus, and the 60 and over league come to town.

24) Jaguars: Who knew that Jacksonville had two teams?

25) Packers: Every sports article needs one irrelevant, awkward, maybe even sickening simile or comparison for absolutely no reason except to have one. Therefore, Clay Matthews has more sacks than the garbage pail after an temple full of orthodox castrations.

26) Texans: Texans’ Arian Foster has seen enormous success. However, this is a passing league, so down to 26th you go.

27) Buccaneers: Looks like it’s a Pirates life for the Bucs, who suck.

28) Redskins: Clinton Portis has just been diagnosed with a “groin separation”. He will be out several weeks because the league does not allow women. (I give the Redskins 28th because it’s my 28th-best description of events.)

29) Cardinals: The QB situation most clearly resembles an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, where I guess at this stage the points don’t matter.

30) Raiders: Closing in fast on the 1st overall draft pick, the Raiders will have a shot at perhaps the best long snapper in the draft.

31) Browns: Cut some air holes out of those paper bags, browns fans, and smell the sweet stench of 31st in the league. Then put another bag over it because here come the Falcons.

32) Bills: Fortunately, after Jacksonville the only competition is the backups during the bye. Expect both to be losses.

33) Chiefs: Good for the Chiefs, getting all those wins out of the way early on. Now it’s back to good ‘ol KC football.

[MsMarvel73]

Rotfl... I have just laughed myself to tears.

[BirdWatcher]

Why no mods allowed? I'm laughing hysterically, even if it did take me a second read to figure out why there are 33 teams.

[berad]

"Roughing the author"? HAHAHA

Outstanding read!

[MsMarvel73]

[quote name='berad' timestamp='1286405160' post='500655']
[b]"Roughing the author"?[/b] HAHAHA

Outstanding read!
[/quote]


Yeah...let's go get 'im.

[PuRock]

Yeah Hawk, Mods are people too! I think....

[hawkprey]

[quote name='Moderator 3' timestamp='1286404968' post='500649']
Why no mods allowed? I'm laughing hysterically, even if it did take me a second read to figure out why there are 33 teams.
[/quote]

I was afraid of violating the code of conduct. What I meant was "no MODDING allowed". Now, mods, if you could please correct that...

[BirdWatcher]

[quote name='hawkprey' timestamp='1286409052' post='500707']
I was afraid of violating the code of conduct. What I meant was "no MODDING allowed". Now, mods, if you could please correct that...
[/quote]

Nah, it would invalidate our previous comments.

[berad]

[quote name='PuRock' timestamp='1286405678' post='500663']
Yeah Hawk, Mods are people too! I think....
[/quote]

Some of us are. Can never tell with Franny, though, he writes too prettily.

[Purple Nurple]

He's a fancy lad, that one.

[ravens__]

lmao.. literally speaking.
That was just great, thank you for making my day!

[flaccopoe]

[quote name='PuRock' timestamp='1286405678' post='500663']
Yeah Hawk, Mods are people too! I think....
[/quote]

They are? I thought that the "Moderators" were just a computer program that detects words like @ss.

[berad]

[quote name='flaccopoe' timestamp='1286500411' post='501526']
They are? I thought that the "Moderators" were just a computer program that detects words like @ss.
[/quote]

He knows too much!

[hawkprey]

Wow, I didn't realize that after such a lengthy initial post, the thread would revolve around the subtitle.

[Purple Nurple]

Welcome to the off topic section, friend.

[Guest Maryland1]

[quote name='hawkprey' timestamp='1286409052' post='500707']
I was afraid of violating the code of conduct. What I meant was "no MODDING allowed". Now, mods, if you could please correct that...
[/quote]

[font="Verdana"][size="2"]Per the recently-revised [color="#ff0000"]Forum Code of Conduct[/color]:

Off-topic issues are only allowed to be discussed in the [/size][/font][url="http://boards.baltimoreravens.com/forum/31-off-topic-forum/"][font="Verdana"][size="2"]Off-Topic Forum[/size][/font][/url][font="Verdana"][size="2"] provided they fully comply with the Code of Conduct. [/size][/font]

[flaccopoe]

[quote name='hawkprey' timestamp='1286501660' post='501535']
Wow, I didn't realize that after such a lengthy initial post, the thread would revolve around the subtitle.
[/quote]

Ha, that's the internet for you!